What is Codependency?
Codependency refers to a mental, emotional, physical, and/or spiritual reliance on a partner, friend, or family member.
The term was originally coined in the 1950s in the context of Alcoholics Anonymous to support partners of individuals who abused substances, and who were entwined in the toxic lives of those they cared for.
This is still true — but today, codependency covers a much broader spectrum.
Codependency is not a clinical diagnosis or a formally categorized personality disorder on its own. Generally speaking, codependency incorporates aspects of attachment style patterns developed in early childhood, and it can also overlap with other personality disorders, including dependent personality disorder.
Do you behave in a codependent way?
Codependency isn’t considered a mental health condition, and experts have yet to outline specific diagnostic criteria for it. There is, however, some general agreement on what codependency usually involves.
Common signs of codependency typically include:
- a deep-seated need for approval from others
- self-worth that depends on what others think about you
- a habit of taking on more work than you can realistically handle, both to earn praise or lighten a loved one’s burden
- a tendency to apologize or take on blame in order to keep the peace
- a pattern of avoiding conflict
- a tendency to minimize or ignore your own desires
- excessive concern about a loved one’s habits or behaviors
- a habit of making decisions for others or trying to “manage” loved ones
- a mood that reflects how others feel, rather than your own emotions
- guilt or anxiety when doing something for yourself
- doing things you don’t really want to do, simply to make others happy
- idealizing partners or other loved ones, often to the point of maintaining relationships that leave you unfulfilled
- overwhelming fears of rejection or abandonment
With codependency, the need to support others goes beyond what’s generally considered healthy.
If you behave in codependent ways, you don’t just offer support temporarily, such as when a loved one faces a setback. Instead, you tend to focus on caretaking and caring for others to the point that you begin to define yourself in relation to their needs.
What is interdependence?
Interdependence (or interdependency) suggests that partners recognize and value the importance of the emotional bond they share while maintaining a solid sense of self within the relationship dynamic.
An interdependent person recognizes the value of vulnerability, being able to turn to their partner in meaningful ways to create emotional intimacy. They also value a sense of self that allows them and their partner to be themselves without any need to compromise who they are or their values system.
Being dependent on another person can sound scary or even unhealthy. Growing up, we are often taught an over-inflated value of independence, to be somewhat self-contained, with a high value placed on not needing others for emotional support.
As valuable as having a sense of independence is, taken to an extreme, this can actually get in the way of us being able to connect emotionally with others in a meaningful way. Emotional intimacy with a partner can be difficult to achieve, even scary or not seen as particularly valuable in a relationship, for those who have an extraordinary sense of independence.
How can you move from codependency to interdependency?
If you’re in a situation where you’re seeing some codependent characteristics in your relationship, don’t fret. This is a sign that you need to recalibrate and find balance. You can shift the relationship dynamic to a healthy attachment, but it’ll take awareness, reflection, and collaboration. Here are a few ways to start:
1. Take time for yourself.
Set aside time to work on the most important relationship of all: the one with yourself. It’s likely you have abandoned your feelings in the pursuit of putting the relationship above all else. You may not know what you think, feel, or need at any given time because it’s been subsumed by your partner in some capacity.
Build up your confidence by returning attention to your individual well-being, passions, dreams, and hobbies without factoring in what your partner likes. By using this time for yourself, it’ll help separate you from the relationship and give it room to breathe.
Over time, these actions will expand your sense of self. As people come and go, you won’t sway easily because you’ll feel internally rooted by your values. By centering and cultivating acceptance toward yourself, it will serve as a buffer against over-reliance on your partner since there’ll be other resources to lean on.
2. Create and enforce strong boundaries.
Having a poor sense of boundaries (and feeling uncomfortable saying no) is the ideal breeding ground for codependency to thrive. Codependents do not know where one person ends and the other person begins because it’s so interwoven. Establishing various types of boundaries—physical, mental, material, emotional, sexual—breaks that up by defining what you’re responsible for and what you’re not responsible for and will help you find containment and safety within.
If you don’t know what your limits are, pay attention to your body. What feels bad? What feels good? What aligns with your values? What doesn’t? What do you feel uncomfortable or comfortable doing?
Only say yes to the things that are truly okay for you. Say no to everything else.
It’ll feel extremely uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re accustomed to neglecting your needs to make your partner feel comfortable, but this consensual practice is essential to creating the foundation for an interdependent relationship.
3. Fall in love with your community.
One person cannot love us in all of the ways we need to be loved. For interdependency to take place, you need to dedicate time and energy to all of the different versions of love that exist in your life: community, familial, platonic, artistic, etc. As you’re untangling yourself from codependency, a support network is essential to help express the fullest expression of who you are, loudly and unwaveringly without having to hide or minimize anything about yourself.
By showing up authentically and meeting other relationship’s needs appropriately, it becomes a safe space to be vulnerable and find meaning outside of your partner.
4. Work on healthy, open communication, and see a therapist if necessary.
Interdependency can’t exist if your partner is still clinging to any codependent tendencies. It takes two people to break out of the cycle and co-create something new. It may feel scary to acknowledge your role in perpetuating codependency, but the conversation will move you toward growth. Otherwise, things won’t change.
Set relationship check-ins where you can be vulnerable and discuss where your codependent behaviours may come from and where it’s showing up in the relationship. Talk about where you may be under-functioning in your life and over-functioning in theirs and how that’s affected each of you. Be specific about behaviours in the relationship that need to change. If you need help setting boundaries, let them know. Be frank, open-minded, and honest so the relationship can change form.
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