Discover the intriguing difference between self-esteem and confidence

People tend to use the words self-esteem and confidence interchangeably. However, while the two are related, they are not exactly the same. It’s important to know the difference between self-esteem and confidence in order to develop both.

Just about everyone struggles with low self-esteem or a lack of confidence at some point in their lives. In this article, I’ll aim to deepen your understanding of the differences between self-esteem and self-confidence.

What is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem boils down to your opinion of yourself. It revolves around how you feel about yourself as a human being. Self-esteem is whether you think you’re a valuable member of society or not. In simple terms, your self-esteem depends on whether you accept yourself as you are.

Esteem essentially relates to value. So if you place a high value on yourself, you will have high self-esteem. On the other hand, if you think you don’t have much value as a person, you will have low self-esteem.

Your self-esteem can affect how much you:

• like and value yourself as a person
• believe in yourself and the things you can do
• stand up for yourself when under pressure
• are willing to try new or difficult things
• move on from mistakes without blaming yourself unfairly
• believe you matter and are good enough
• believe you deserve happiness.

If you have high self-esteem, the way you think and feel about yourself is likely to be positive. But if you have low self-esteem, you may find that the way you think and feel about yourself is more negative, and you may feel less able to stand up for yourself.

What is Self-Confidence?

Confidence, on the other hand, relates to the faith we have in our abilities or different spheres in our life. For instance, you may be very confident in your skills as an orator. Or, you may have confidence in your work life and know you’re a good employee.

Confidence in specific aspects of their lives also makes people more willing to face challenges in those areas. It can also increase our drive and desire to take on more responsibilities in that field.

Confidence is about:

• Believing in yourself, your abilities and ideas – this could be knowing a suggestion you have in class is a good one, feeling like you can learn a new song your band wants to perform, or knowing you can ask someone out without getting cold feet.
• Understanding and accepting yourself for who you are – like being proud of your sexuality or hair colour, being okay with not being great at sports, or not wanting to change yourself to fit in with others.

Confidence doesn’t mean being ‘outgoing’. You can be quiet or shy and still be confident. And even when someone’s the loudest person in the room, that doesn’t always mean they’re feeling the most confident inside.

What can affect confidence and self-esteem?

Negative experiences can lower your confidence and self-esteem, like going through a breakup or being teased about your appearance. And positive experiences can boost your confidence and self-esteem, like doing well on a test, getting a compliment on how you look, or doing something nice for a friend or neighbour.

What affects your confidence and self-esteem can be different for different people. These experiences might affect our confidence or self-esteem positively or negatively:

• your results at school or college
• social media or adverts
• the level of support you receive from people you trust
• your body image and how you feel about your appearance
• your achievements or skills.

But other experiences may only negatively affect our confidence and self-esteem, like:

• physical or mental health problems that affect our ability to do certain things or be understood by others
• peer pressure to fit in
• pressure to achieve in exams, sport or other hobbies
• being bullied or abused
• experiencing stigma or discrimination
• moving away from where we feel safe, like away from family or friends
• family problems
• relationship problems.

You may be affected by other experiences that aren’t in these lists. Or you might have had low confidence or self-esteem for a long time, which can make it hard to understand why you’re feeling this way.

Ways to build your self esteem

Here are some other simple techniques that may help you feel better about yourself.

Recognise what you’re good at 

We’re all good at something, whether it’s cooking, singing, doing puzzles or being a friend. We also tend to enjoy doing the things we’re good at, which can help boost your mood.

Build positive relationships

If you find certain people tend to bring you down, try to spend less time with them, or tell them how you feel about their words or actions.

Try to build relationships with people who are positive and who appreciate you.

Be kind to yourself

Being kind to yourself means being gentle to yourself at times when you feel like being self-critical.

Think what you’d say to a friend in a similar situation. We often give far better advice to others than we do to ourselves.

Learn to be assertive

Being assertive is about respecting other people’s opinions and needs, and expecting the same from them.

One trick is to look at other people who act assertively and copy what they do.

It’s not about pretending you’re someone you’re not. It’s picking up hints and tips from people you admire and letting the real you come out.

Start saying “no”

People with low self-esteem often feel they have to say yes to other people, even when they do not really want to.

The risk is that you become overburdened, resentful, angry and depressed.

For the most part, saying no does not upset relationships. It can be helpful to keep saying no, but in different ways, until they get the message.

Give yourself a challenge

We all feel nervous or afraid to do things at times. But people with healthy self-esteem do not let these feelings stop them trying new things or taking on challenges.

Set yourself a goal, such as joining an exercise class or going to a social occasion. Achieving your goals will help to increase your self-esteem.

Ways to build self-confidence

Fortunately, there are things you can do to boost your self-confidence. Whether you lack confidence in one specific area or you struggle to feel confident about anything, these strategies can help.

Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Whether you compare how you look to your friends on Facebook or you compare your salary to your friend’s income, comparisons aren’t healthy. If you’re feeling envious of someone else’s life, remind yourself of your own strengths and successes. Consider keeping an ongoing gratitude journal to help you focus on your own life and not the lives of others.

Surround Yourself With Positive People

Pay attention to how your friends make you feel. Do your friends lift you up or bring you down? Are they constantly judging you or do they accept you for who you are? 

The people you spend time with influence your thoughts and attitudes about yourself more than you think. If you feel bad about yourself after hanging out with a particular person, it may be time to say goodbye. 

Take Care of Your Body

It’s hard to feel good about yourself if you’re abusing your body. On the other hand, if you practice self-care, you know you’re doing something positive for your mind, body, and spirit, and you’ll naturally feel more confident.

Here are a few self-care practices linked to higher levels of self-confidence:

• Diet: Eating well comes with many benefits, including higher levels of self-confidence and self-esteem. When you fuel your body with the right foods, you feel healthier, stronger, and more energized, which can result in feeling better about yourself.
• Exercise: Studies consistently show physical activity boosts confidence.
• Meditation: More than just a relaxation practice, meditation can help boost self-confidence in several ways. For one, it helps you to recognize and accept yourself. Meditation also teaches you to stop negative self-talk and disconnect from any mental chatter interfering with your self-confidence.
• Sleep: Skimping on sleep can take a toll on your emotions, whereas good, quality sleep has been linked with positive personality traits, including optimism and self-esteem.

Be Kind To Yourself

Self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness when you make a mistake, fail, or experience a setback. It’s a way of relating to yourself that allows you to become more emotionally flexible and better able to navigate challenging emotions, and enhances your connection to self and others. Researchers have linked the ability to relate to ourselves in a compassionate way to self-confidence.

Practice Positive Self-Talk

Using self-talk that is optimistic can help you foster self-compassion, overcome self-doubt, and take on new challenges. On the other hand, negative self-talk can limit your abilities and lessen your confidence by convincing your subconscious that you “can’t handle it” or that something is “too hard” and you “shouldn’t even try.“

The next time you begin to think that you have no business speaking up in a meeting or that you are too out of shape to work out, remind yourself that your thoughts aren’t always accurate.

Here are a few examples of how to challenge pessimistic self-talk and reframe your thoughts into a more positive way of thinking:

• Instead of telling yourself “I can’t handle this,” or “This is impossible,” try reminding yourself that “You can do it,” or “all I have to do is try.“
• Instead of telling yourself “I can do nothing right” when you make a mistake, remind yourself “I can do better next time,” or “at least I learned something.“
• Instead of saying you “hate” public speaking, use a milder word like “don’t like,” and remind yourself that “everyone has strengths and weaknesses.“

Face Your Fears

Stop putting things off (like asking someone on a date or applying for a promotion) until you feel more confident. The best way to build your confidence is by facing your fears head-on.

Practice facing some of your fears that stem from a lack of self-confidence. If you’re afraid you’ll embarrass yourself or you think that you’re going to mess up, try it anyway. Tell yourself it’s just an experiment and see what happens.

You might learn that being a little anxious or making a few mistakes isn’t as bad as you thought. And each time you move forward, you can gain more confidence in yourself, which in the end, will help prevent you from taking any risks that will result in any major negative consequences.

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