Guilt and shame are two words that we use almost interchangeably. They both describe a negative emotion in response to our actions, but they have very different meanings. In this article, we’ll discuss that difference between shame vs guilt in detail because it has a significant impact on how we view ourselves, each other, and the world.
What is the emotion of guilt?
When we’ve done something wrong, we feel the emotion of guilt. Maybe we had unhealthy thoughts that led to unhealthy behaviours. Perhaps we hurt a friend or did something we shouldn’t like cheating or stealing. Guilt brings remorse and regret. Guilt tells us we violated our own morals, our own consciousness.
We learn guilt early in our childhood; it’s part of our healthy developmental process. Guilt drives us to admit our errors and mistakes to ourselves and others. Guilt says “I did a stupid thing, but I am not stupid.” It causes temporary pain but ends in healing. The 12-step-programs focus on guilt. We learn to take responsibility for our behaviours and then make amends as needed.
For example, a mother is very angry at her 3-year-old son for breaking a family vase. Her anger may be normal, but when the mother starts screaming at her son, her behaviour has become inappropriate. When the son starts sobbing and wets his pants, the mother realizes she was too harsh, and she feels guilty for losing control.
Because guilt is focused on taking responsibility and making apologies, The mother is able to tell her son that she was wrong to yell at him and make amends by cuddling with him. She apologizes for her behaviour and tells herself that she cannot do this again. She also tells the sons father about the incident to accept responsibility and ask for help. Her openness prevents secret keeping and helps her to understand that hurting a toddler is wrong. She may have regrets about yelling, but understands that everyone makes mistakes and vows to do better.
What is shame?
Shame is a different story. Shame is the only feeling that lies to us. It’s not about doing a bad thing; shame is about feeling bad to our core. In our shame, we think we are terrible, horrible, sick, bad, and worthless. We feel unworthy, and believe the mistakes cannot be healed.
Let’s revisit the incident above between the mother and her young son. This time, instead of feeling guilt, the mother spirals into shame. After she screams at him, she feels so horrible that she internalizes shame. She tells herself she’s a horrible person, unworthy of having children. Drowning in her own pain, the mother isn’t able to take care of her son when he needs her. Instead, they both end up sobbing.
The next time the son is naughty, the mother cannot bring herself to correct him. Because the focus is solely on her, she loses all capacity to cope with him. The mother further blames herself for the sons bad behaviour because shame has lied to her. Shame told her she was a bad parent. This creates a shame spiral where the mother now becomes inept in her parenting capacity.
Shame is too often felt in dysfunctional families. Remember, shame lies, and it’s often a sign of emotional abuse.
Shame vs Guilt
You may sometimes confuse the emotions of shame with guilt.
- Guilt is a feeling you get when you did something wrong, or perceived you did something wrong.
- Shame is a feeling that your whole self is wrong, and it may not be related to a specific behaviour or event.
When you feel guilty about the wrong thing you did, you can take steps to make up for it and put it behind you. But feeling shame, or being convinced that you are the thing that’s wrong, offers no clear-cut way to “come back” to feeling more positive about yourself. That’s one difference between shame and guilt.
What to do if you’re struggling with feelings of shame
Shame is a challenging emotion, but feeling shame doesn’t mean you’re a morally deficient or otherwise inferior person. You can learn how to overcome guilt and shame with the right support. If you’d like to learn healthier ways to respond to your mistakes, consider working with a counsellor or therapist.
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